Posted in Articles

Being a “Nice Guy”

Are you Genuinely Nice?

Do you feel that you are sometimes too nice? Do people keep telling you that “You are just too nice”? What are the effects of being “Too nice”? Is it really good? Or is it actually bad?

Written By Benjamin Ngiam

[Note: This article applies to both men and women]

Do you see yourself as a nice person? Do people often tell you that you are a “Nice Guy”?
How do you feel? When people tell you that you are a nice person, do you feel happy and accepted in some way?

Now, its all good that you are a nice person who gets along with almost everyone you meet. But, I want to ask you something, have you ever noticed something about this side of you which makes you feel like maybe if you haven’t been this nice, things might have turned out better?

An example,
You may have gotten “You are just too nice for me” from your crush when you ask them to go out with you on a date or be your significant other and boom, you’ve just landed in the infamous “Friendzone”. All because you are “Too nice”? There’s such a thing as being too nice? Woah… Well, there is something at work here but I’m not going to go there now… That is not something I want to talk about here.

Let’s use another example, you are in a group discussion for a project work.

You, along with another member, Tom, was assigned to lead the group. It is obvious that the two of you have the same goal to achieve but, different methods to achieve it. Now, you presented your ideas to your team, which you truly believe, is the best way to work for the job after considering every factors related to it such as allocation of resources, workload and individual’s roles.

Tom, however, tells you otherwise and presented his idea to you and the team. His idea is good, though it wasn’t as well thought out as yours but he insisted that doing things his way would be better. The rest of the team supports both ideas equally so it is up to you and your mate to decide. Tom, however, wouldn’t take no for an answer and keeps insisting on doing things his way.
You, as the nice guy you are, can tell that this means a lot to Tom and should everyone choose to do things your way and not his, it would crush him.

Hence, you decided to be the bigger person and agreed to do things his way. Besides, if you guys kept going on about it, time may get wasted and also, your relationship with him will most definitely be affected.

Tom’s approach was implemented and your team set off to work. The results were satisfactory but after reviewing the whole process, you can tell that if your team had actually used your ideas and did things your way, the results would have been significantly more rewarding. You made the wrong decision and now, you start to wonder if you are actually capable in handling things. You start to have self-doubt.

What happened there?

You decided to give in because you did not want to risk deteriorating a relationship with your co-worker.

It’s good that you did this because it helped kept things harmonized and resolved conflicts that was present at the moment.
However, all of that was achieved at the expense of better work efficiency and performance.
All of which, made you feel as though you can’t manage things properly because you made the wrong move when you initially planned to make the right one and that is all because you were not able to handle your team’s conflict.

Now, what if you are actually placed in similar situations where you are faced with a choice to give in to other people’s consent again? Would this behavior repeat?
Are you the type of person who is being too nice because you just don’t want to hurt anybody’s feelings?

Do you believe that having this behavioral pattern repeat throughout your whole life is good for you? Your life?

In my opinion? NO. That’s a big fat N-O.

Really, think about it. Whenever you do this, you are conforming yourself and accommodating yourself for other people. Sometimes, maybe even towards people who you don’t even know and you know what? There are people out there, who actually takes advantage of people like this. Nice people like you.
If you don’t do anything about this, what’s going to happen is that you will start to feel like you are not exactly living a life of your own because you are living for other people.

You might say “Oh it’s fine, it’s just a few people” but imagine now, what if you are going to live like this for the next FIVE years? Or TEN? Is it really going to be fine? How many people are you going to give into in the decade of your life? Or maybe even the rest of your life?

If you consistently neglect your own feelings WHENEVER someone else’s feelings are involved, it will kill you a little each time that happens and you will get nothing much out of it at the end. As subtle as that may be, and you may not realize it yet but, you know it does. You will feel used in some way when you do something for people and they don’t seem to reciprocate.

So, what should you do?

STOP THAT.

Stop being such an overly “Nice Guy”. Sure, its good to be nice to others and have them return the kindness and see the world becoming a more friendly and happier place as everyone starts doing it. Believe me, I know what it is like to want to create this “Ideal World” or “Ideal Community” where everyone is kind, helpful and caring towards everyone. It is something I wish to achieve someday as well. Hence this Project lol.

But you know what? There will be a bunch of black sheep in every herd. What’s worse is that these black sheep will take advantage of nice people like you and you have to be aware of who they are and how to deal with them.

Aside from that, being overly nice can also be seen as pretentious as well. I’m sure you know this already. Everyone resents a “fake” person.

Start being a little more assertive and “real”. Start doing things for yourself. You may not like what I have to say but as the saying goes:

“Nice guys finish last”

Unless you start becoming more assertive and start doing things for yourself, you will find yourself in a spot during one of your stages in life where you feel that nobody seem to understand nor care about you when ironically, you have always been nothing but understanding and caring towards others. You just want to have people return what you’ve been giving, back to you.

You will feel that the whole world seems to be against you and now, you are all alone and there is no one else in the world out there who can understand you because whenever you tell them that you feel horrible, people don’t seem to be responding positively towards you.

They just tell you “You are just too nice” when you explain to them on how you have always been a nice guy and why doesn’t people treat you the way you treat them.

Reality is… NOBODY CARES ABOUT YOU OTHER THAN YOU.

Let’s say you won the lottery yesterday. Now you are a millionaire. You start talking to people and you announce it to them. Everybody is happy for you. When you walk down the street and frequent places like bars etc, people approaches you and start conversations with you.
Now, as days go by, you start to notice something.
Everybody seems to be your friend. Everybody seem to WANT to be your friend. People adore you everywhere and you don’t really have to put in much effort to please anyone now because people seem to always be laughing at your bad jokes and etc. People want to please you now.

Okay, back to reality…

Chances are, you don’t have a million dollars. Chances are, you didn’t strike the lottery yesterday. When you walk down the street or frequent bars, people don’t just approach you to talk to you or try to befriend you. People don’t exactly adore you everywhere and you have to put in RIDICULOUS amount of effort to please people so that they would like you.

Why?

It’s because nobody cares about you for You. If people were to care about you in general, it’s only because there is something in it for them. You BENEFIT them in someway and they want to take advantage of that.

Granted, there will be some people who truly care, sure. But how much? Do you think they care about you as much as you do? The fact remains, nobody wants you to be successful as much as you do.

All in all, its fine to be nice.

In fact, I am actually glad to know that you are a nice person because we need more people who care for others in this world.
But, as awesome as being nice is, you still have to find a way to ensure you are not missing out in life and also ensure that nobody is taking advantage of you for who you are.

If you are telling yourself and me that you are indeed, a REALLY GENUINE NICE GUY, who simply care more for others than yourself?
I want to ask you to reflect with these FOUR Questions below:

  1. Are you REALLY a NICE GUY who is always fine with sacrificing yourself, your feelings and emotions etc, for others and you are truly fine with it and don’t feel anything negative after the deed is done?
  2. Do you think you are being ridiculously nice to get the approval of others around you?
  3. Do you think that you act like ‘Captain Nice’ because you want others to like you?
  4. Do you think it is possible that you were conditioned to be the way you are right now by your parents or society?
    All of which, made you learn the habit of locking up your own feelings and thoughts to yourself and only say and/or do things that people want you to?

If you answered “No” to Qn 1. OR “Yes” to any of the other THREE Questions, I think you have probably realized something new about yourself. You are not exactly fine with being that GENUINE NICE GUY.
Also, you’ve probably realized that you are not being true to yourself when you are around other people since you monitor your own behavior each and every time when you are put inside a social situation just so that you can ensure that you are accepted as a NICE GUY.

It is kind of elusive but society play the biggest role (In my opinion) in shaping and affect how people behave around others. Chances are, you were traumatized in some way in your past during the process of an interaction and you have been subconsciously telling yourself to do things specifically to prevent yourself from ever experiencing that specific event again.

Regardless, if you are still telling me that you are convinced with the fact that you are indeed GENUINELY NICE? I am still going to tell you what I’m going to say because I sincerely believe it is for your own good.

You may have been telling yourself otherwise and chances are, you have probably never EVER gotten this from anyone but here is the deal now…

I AM GIVING YOU THE PERMISSION TO JUST BE YOURSELF AND STOP BEING SO NICE.

Not just me. I want YOU to give yourself the permission. I want you to allow yourself to be who you truly are and express your inner self. Be it bit by bit, one step at a time. Let the world know you. Stop trying to please other people and please yourself for once. I’m not telling you to stop being nice but rather, start becoming less nice for the sake of others and start being less nice to others FOR YOURSELF.

The reason why I am writing this is because I was there once. I was once a “Nice Guy” who always, and I mean ALWAYS, do things for other people and give into others because I just couldn’t bring myself to hurt anyone’s feelings. I had the idea drilled into my head by society that if I kept doing that, people will see it and understand what I was going through and in turn, reciprocate accordingly. I was also told to never do something that people would find bad.
In a way, I have always been told that I must not ever truly be myself. I was never given the permission to.

Because of that, I just hung onto the idea where if I keep doing things to please people, eventually, everyone will start to please me in return.

Boy was I wrong.

In the end, I got hurt real bad but, hey, I got over it so all izz well. (If you know what this Bollywood reference is from, high-five!)

There is also another thing I would like to shed a light on in the topic of being too nice. (We are almost done here, bear with me)

Usually, when we talk about things like this, we look at things on the surface value. When you are a nice person, people SHOULD like you for who you are right? But have you ever faced issues where for some reason, people seem to resent you for being too nice? Ever get that feeling?

Well, they don’t actually say it but you can feel it. Somehow, you can tell that there are some people who don’t like you just because you always seem to be a nice person who have never and will never ever do wrong.

Do you know anyone like that? Do you feel any negative emotions or have any negative thoughts on these people? If so, why?

In general, we as human beings, may hold some resentment towards people who portray themselves as “Goody Two-Shoes”. People who are always good and never bad. This is because we may find people like this pretentious and fake. We all like people who are nice but if they always appear to be so nice all the time and never ever “Bad”? Chances are, their behavior will be perceived as “Fake” and people may start to wonder if they are hiding something from everyone around them.

If a man behaves this way, what are the chances of you giving him your respect?
What are the chances of you following in his lead and give him support when he asks it off you?
Will you be suspicious about his character and motives?
Maybe even start wondering if he is hiding something from you?

Will this man be influential and respected?

Do you want to be this man? Do you think you are being perceived by others to be this man right now?


 

To conclude:

  • Being too nice kills your confidence because it takes away any drive that you have to do something as you are now too afraid to take action just because you are afraid that you might hurt someone else’s feelings.
  • There are “Leeches” out there who are not afraid to use you for their own benefit.
  • You should do your best to start doing things for yourself and your own success in life because NOBODY CARES MORE ABOUT YOU THAN YOU.
  • Stop having the idea that being GENUINELY NICE is good for you.
  • Keep in mind that being too nice can also be seen as pretentious, Not good for gaining respect and influence.
  • YOU HAVE MY PERMISSION TO BE YOURSELF and stop being so overly nice.
  • YOU HAVE YOUR PERMISSION TO BE YOURSELF and stop being so overly nice.

 

Till the next article, I hope you are taking the right step towards your ideal future! 

Your friend,
Benjamin Ngiam


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[Image featured today in this article is by enggul]

Author:

Just a regular guy who wants to try to make a difference in the world for the better. You can read all about me here: https://projectbiy.com/about-benjamin/ Thank you for taking your time to check out my profile. Hope to talk to you soon!

8 thoughts on “Being a “Nice Guy”

  1. Wow – long post. Well let me put this simply.
    1) be assertive when you need to .
    2) create a win / win
    3) be humble when you need to
    4) don’t be a doormat.
    5) Know when to speak and argue assertively (win/win), without getting someone’s back up -but speak you must. Then be a broken record for as long as you can. You would have planted the seed. Then by being a broken record you provide water. Then, you are humble and let it be knowing they will come to their senses eventually – NOT once do we think we are better , nor does our ego rise -Sincerity. I tell you this is a winning formula – I have won many like this. But, you have to be humble and don’t expect any credit for it , cause when they came round they wont realise you said it all along. However, there are some personalities well no one can win them over – and most people will know that and them and that’s just another ball game.

    Oky I stop there.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Nicely said and thanks for the summary btw haha! Sometimes when I write, I’d go so into it without even realizing it. Not sure if that’s good or bad lol.

      Anywho, loving the comment here. Especially the part with Sincerity and Humility. I can relate to that cause I’ve managed to prevent heated arguments consciously because of Humility and the effort to not let my ego take over.

      It also helped with other issues like resolving conflicts and even assisting others to settle their issues by reminding them of this neat little elusive “Mindtrick”.

      Great insight as always, Bella 😉

      Cheers!

      Your pal,
      Benjamin

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Yes! I am nice. I like being nice. I love to share. I have boundaries however. As Maya Angelou said: “I have my own back!” Other people will only take advantage of you if you give them permission to do so. Don’t expect too much. If there is a return coming your way, it might not be from the same person you gave your “nice-ness” to. Just be nice because it’s make you feel good inside. Be nice because it takes far less effort. Do it because the change we hope to see in the world begins with us!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Nicely said SparkyJen 😉

      It’s true what you said- The return may not come from the person you gave your kindness to.

      My dad raised me to be one who help others in need (At the expense of self or not, that depends on the situation!) and we certainly live by the code.

      Cool thing about this is I remember once when I was out with my dad on a motor bike- We fell because of an ass who was driving in front of us, suddenly breaking his vehicle and then left immediately after causing the fall.
      Luckily the guy behind us stopped to assist us when we totally had no connection whatsoever and didn’t even ask for anything in return. It was a nice gesture.

      That is the kind of world I aim to create. One where we help each other just because we see that they are in need- One where we take care of each other just because we understand that we can better each other’s lives in our own ways.

      After all, some may have more money, some may be handicapped and others may have better intellect but one thing is for sure:

      Every single one of us have only got ONE life. So why not work with that in mind and make things better for everyone, right? 😉

      Thanks for the visit and comment SparkyJen! Always an honor to have you around 🙂

      Your pal,
      Benjamin

      Liked by 1 person

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